another day

Today I took my 10th Provera pill and still no period:( I've taken this pill before and it normally comes on the 3rd or 5th day. Very disappointing! I have more refills so ill call one in tomorrow.
There comes a time when you wonder what's wrong with me and what is going to work. I have so much going on with moving and fixing up my grandparents house that I don't have time to be sad.
I just heard that Gulliana from E News is having a baby and knowing her struggle, Im happy for her. Deep down I hate to admit, I don't get happy anymore when people announce pregnancies. How do you say congrats when when your heart is breaking.
When a friend complains about morning sickness I want to know what it feels like. Unless your dealing with infertility that sounds crazy. Here's hoping for cramps and PMS!!

A calling

Its been a pretty draining weekend and I don't feel like going into details. I have decided if the clomid doesn't work I will look into adoption. We will be moving in less than a month and once me move in I plan to fill out an app for fostering. Im ready to have a baby in the house and there are so many children needing good parents. Maybe my calling is to mother, motherless children. I don't know?
I still want to give clomid a try BC I want to feel a baby that we conceived grow in my belly!!!

CONSULTATION COMPLETED

Our consulatation with Dr. Payne went great! I can see why there has been so many great reviews about him because he was very informative and answered all of our questions in ENGLISH (not Dr terms). He feels that the problem probably lies with ovulation since my menstrual cycle only comes every few months a year. I have to get a prescription for Provera (to jump start my cycle) filled, then at CD3 (cycle day 3) go in for a Endocrine blood panel, have an HSG done at CD 8, after those tests Jamil will go in for a semen analysis, and then we will go from there. We will more than likely start on Clomid and are hoping that fixes my little problem.
I'm so appreciative for all the support my husband, family, and friends have given me. I started this blog as a way to get my feelings out instead of holding them in and feeling stressed.

"The difficulties of life are intended to make us better, not bitter."

Today is our consulation with Dr Payne at Piedmont Reproductive and I have mixed feelings. I've been so ready for today to get here so we can finally sit down with someone and discuss our struggle. I have done a lot of research online and honestly I find myself feeling worse than before! Its hard not to be bitter because you look at some women who can have babies and think Why Not Me? Jamil and I have found ourselves asking the question, Why do we always have to struggle to get what we want? Why do hurdles have to be put up for us to get around all the time. Sometimes we say, if we didn't have bad luck, we'd have NO LUCK! But then again, for all the struggles we've had in our lives there has been some amazing things happening to outweigh those struggles. I can't say enough how Blessed we are! I truly think that he and I have to be challenged in life in order to appreciate the good things, and that's okay!
So with that being said, I know that once I do become a mommy, I will appreciate it so much! I will never take a smile, a cry, or a word for granted! Keep me in your prayers if you would @ 330 today :)

Happy Easter

Happy Easter everyone!!! Im enjoying a great Sunday morning with my sweet hubby! I woke up today feeling great and hopeful. We are headed to moms for dinner with the usual clan (one of my uncles, aunt, and cousin). Monday starts a new weekday and closer to my consult with the RE Dr. Yay!!

Mean Well But Don't Understand

I have a great family and a great group of friends! I always listen to the advice that I'm given, but until you've walked a mile in my "infertility" shoes, then you really don't understand. It makes me think of how many times I tell a person, "oh you can get through it", "its not as hard as it looks", or " in the end it will be so worth it". Who am I really to tell someone that, because I don't really know their struggles or what they've actually been through. Just because I'm able to make it through or push on doesn't mean they have that same strength. I consider myself a strong woman who can handle her own, but the fact I can't have a baby for my husband has broken me. Yes I'm praying, Yes I know to be patient, Yes I listen! But all of those things don't shake my yearning for a child!

"And she made this vow: 'O Lord of Hosts, if You will look upon the suffering of Your maidservant and will remember me and not forget Your maidservant, and if You will grant Your maidservant a male (*or daughter) child, I will dedicate him to the Lord for all the days of his (*or her) life.'"

Source: 1 Samuel 1:11

Lord, Give me Strength...


--To keep my cool when another period starts.


--To keep my chin up when a co-worker announces her pregnancy.


--To have a good relationship with my friend in spite of her ability to conceive easily and not be jealous of her.


--To endure my sister-in-law's comments about toilet training.


--To keep from crying when I see children begging on the roads.


--To forgive my doctor when he keeps me waiting for two hours for a consultation - and then can't remember my name.


--To make the right decision about treatment.


--To maintain a good relationship with my husband in spite of all this.

Starting the Process

"I might have to wait. I'll never give up. I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck. Wherever you are, whenever it's right, you'll come out of nowhere and into my life." ~ Michael Buble

I've named this blog Journey to Mommy-hood, because so far it has been 2 years of trying with no positive results on the stick! I think that each time I took a test and it showed "negative" I tried to lie to myself that it was OK. Until a month ago I was able to deal with the fact that I probably would not be able to do this the ol' fashion way and would need to see a doctor. Actually, a year ago we saw my GYN and she suggested Jamil get a semen anaysis (but he has a son already and I know its not him) and then I would start fertility medication. Well, I still deep down thought we would be able to accomplish this on our own with no help from a doctor. Fast forward to March, I force myself to get up in the mornings, I avoid facebook because I don't want to see another friend say they're pregnant, I can't control having crying outbursts, and I don't want my husband to touch me. At first I thought it could be seasonal depression, but my mind always wandered to the sounds of cooing and the smell of a baby.
For years I have tried to get answers to why my menstral cycle was so irregular, but always was put on a different birth control to regulate it. But what happens now that I'm married and want to start a family, you certainly can't take BC and try for a baby too?! So Monday, I called Piedmont Reproductive and scheduled a consultation for next Wednesday. I am so ready for next week to get here, but so scared at what I'm getting myself into. I've been reading forums, blogs of other women going through this, calling the insurance company about coverage, picking Jamils brain, and probably talking my moms head off. I feel as though, I should not be fixated so much on this because it could be a simple fix, but I don't want to get my hopes up. Yesterday evening a quote kept singing in my head, " If God Brings You To It, He Will See You Through It", and I guess that was my wake up call to put it in his hands! He's blessed my marriage so much already, why wouldn't he want to get me through this struggle too.
I'm sorry this post is so long and probably drawn out, but that will keep any and all followers up to speed on where we are coming from.