WHERE WE ARE

Our life is like a boat right now we are rocking all sorts of ways. To bring you up to speed, we are moving into my grandparents home and are having to do some work before we're able to move. We are currently staying with my mom who lives right next door to the house. We had a contractor who we hired to restore the hard wood floors and June 1st the day he was to start, he called and cancelled. So now we're out of a storage building we're forced to still pay for, another u-haul to move our things into the house, and TIME. My sweet husband is having to put down laminate in the meantime so we can move in and he's also getting the yard taken care of so we have less to deal with once we're in.
Our target move in day is hopefully the first week in July. Don't get me wrong I LOVE staying with my mom but we are living out of one room (my old bedroom) and don't have our privacy we are accustomed too.
I'm also having a hard time deciding whether to go back to school or not. I feel like now that we don't have a huge rent payment hanging over our heads each month, I can focus on school 100% like I always wanted too. I have looked into a few foster care programs and adoption programs here. But for some reason adopting isn't appealing to me at the moment like it was a month or so ago. I've made an appointment at the Greenville Hopsital System to meet with their fertility specialists. Its now 5 months since my period has not made an appearance. I would really like to know what's making that happen and then hopefully the infertilty can be dealt with. Sometimes I feel like my emotions are all over the place and really think it has something to do with the menstral cycle not flowing properly.
I really feel like everyone I know is either pregnant or giving birth right now and I'm just left here to wonder will it ever wonder!

Until next time:

“If a tree falls in the forest, can anyone hear it? If an infertile bangs her head against the wall in a bathroom at a baby shower, can anyone hear her?”

ULTRASOUND COMPLETE

Today's appointment went well, I had my ultrasound and it took her a while to find both my ovaries. She took the images to my doctor and he said everything looked fine. So we are going to move forward and have my blood work and HSG Friday @ 845a. Jamil is scheduled for his semen analysis next Thursday so I guess we are really moving forward with our infertlity problems. Im very excited and nervous, I believe in the "infertlity world" you would rather hear a diagnosis than to hear nothings wrong. I really do not want to be in that category of unexplained fertlity.

"There is no telling how many miles you have to run while chasing a dream."

PROVERA FAILED...

I haven't blogged in a while because nothing has happened. The Provera did not work and as I've said, I've taken it at least a dozen times before. Anytime I was put on a birth control pill to regulate my period, I've had to take it so the period would start. This time it didn't work and its very discouraging. I called my nurse and she had me wait 3 days before calling her back to see if my period would come on. I called her yesterday and we scheduled an ultrasound for Monday @ 3pm to see if my lining has thinned out. I'm not sure what all this means but its scary to think about.
In the meantime, we have moved out of the apartment and are now living with my mom until the house is ready. I'm hoping that with our lives being stress free it may appear before Monday, but that just seems like wishful thinking.... So heres to hoping they just increase my dosage or swith my perscription and I don't have to look at the I-V-F word in order to concieve.
So once again, say a little prayer for me on Monday.

another day

Today I took my 10th Provera pill and still no period:( I've taken this pill before and it normally comes on the 3rd or 5th day. Very disappointing! I have more refills so ill call one in tomorrow.
There comes a time when you wonder what's wrong with me and what is going to work. I have so much going on with moving and fixing up my grandparents house that I don't have time to be sad.
I just heard that Gulliana from E News is having a baby and knowing her struggle, Im happy for her. Deep down I hate to admit, I don't get happy anymore when people announce pregnancies. How do you say congrats when when your heart is breaking.
When a friend complains about morning sickness I want to know what it feels like. Unless your dealing with infertility that sounds crazy. Here's hoping for cramps and PMS!!

A calling

Its been a pretty draining weekend and I don't feel like going into details. I have decided if the clomid doesn't work I will look into adoption. We will be moving in less than a month and once me move in I plan to fill out an app for fostering. Im ready to have a baby in the house and there are so many children needing good parents. Maybe my calling is to mother, motherless children. I don't know?
I still want to give clomid a try BC I want to feel a baby that we conceived grow in my belly!!!

CONSULTATION COMPLETED

Our consulatation with Dr. Payne went great! I can see why there has been so many great reviews about him because he was very informative and answered all of our questions in ENGLISH (not Dr terms). He feels that the problem probably lies with ovulation since my menstrual cycle only comes every few months a year. I have to get a prescription for Provera (to jump start my cycle) filled, then at CD3 (cycle day 3) go in for a Endocrine blood panel, have an HSG done at CD 8, after those tests Jamil will go in for a semen analysis, and then we will go from there. We will more than likely start on Clomid and are hoping that fixes my little problem.
I'm so appreciative for all the support my husband, family, and friends have given me. I started this blog as a way to get my feelings out instead of holding them in and feeling stressed.

"The difficulties of life are intended to make us better, not bitter."

Today is our consulation with Dr Payne at Piedmont Reproductive and I have mixed feelings. I've been so ready for today to get here so we can finally sit down with someone and discuss our struggle. I have done a lot of research online and honestly I find myself feeling worse than before! Its hard not to be bitter because you look at some women who can have babies and think Why Not Me? Jamil and I have found ourselves asking the question, Why do we always have to struggle to get what we want? Why do hurdles have to be put up for us to get around all the time. Sometimes we say, if we didn't have bad luck, we'd have NO LUCK! But then again, for all the struggles we've had in our lives there has been some amazing things happening to outweigh those struggles. I can't say enough how Blessed we are! I truly think that he and I have to be challenged in life in order to appreciate the good things, and that's okay!
So with that being said, I know that once I do become a mommy, I will appreciate it so much! I will never take a smile, a cry, or a word for granted! Keep me in your prayers if you would @ 330 today :)

Happy Easter

Happy Easter everyone!!! Im enjoying a great Sunday morning with my sweet hubby! I woke up today feeling great and hopeful. We are headed to moms for dinner with the usual clan (one of my uncles, aunt, and cousin). Monday starts a new weekday and closer to my consult with the RE Dr. Yay!!

Mean Well But Don't Understand

I have a great family and a great group of friends! I always listen to the advice that I'm given, but until you've walked a mile in my "infertility" shoes, then you really don't understand. It makes me think of how many times I tell a person, "oh you can get through it", "its not as hard as it looks", or " in the end it will be so worth it". Who am I really to tell someone that, because I don't really know their struggles or what they've actually been through. Just because I'm able to make it through or push on doesn't mean they have that same strength. I consider myself a strong woman who can handle her own, but the fact I can't have a baby for my husband has broken me. Yes I'm praying, Yes I know to be patient, Yes I listen! But all of those things don't shake my yearning for a child!

"And she made this vow: 'O Lord of Hosts, if You will look upon the suffering of Your maidservant and will remember me and not forget Your maidservant, and if You will grant Your maidservant a male (*or daughter) child, I will dedicate him to the Lord for all the days of his (*or her) life.'"

Source: 1 Samuel 1:11

Lord, Give me Strength...


--To keep my cool when another period starts.


--To keep my chin up when a co-worker announces her pregnancy.


--To have a good relationship with my friend in spite of her ability to conceive easily and not be jealous of her.


--To endure my sister-in-law's comments about toilet training.


--To keep from crying when I see children begging on the roads.


--To forgive my doctor when he keeps me waiting for two hours for a consultation - and then can't remember my name.


--To make the right decision about treatment.


--To maintain a good relationship with my husband in spite of all this.

Starting the Process

"I might have to wait. I'll never give up. I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck. Wherever you are, whenever it's right, you'll come out of nowhere and into my life." ~ Michael Buble

I've named this blog Journey to Mommy-hood, because so far it has been 2 years of trying with no positive results on the stick! I think that each time I took a test and it showed "negative" I tried to lie to myself that it was OK. Until a month ago I was able to deal with the fact that I probably would not be able to do this the ol' fashion way and would need to see a doctor. Actually, a year ago we saw my GYN and she suggested Jamil get a semen anaysis (but he has a son already and I know its not him) and then I would start fertility medication. Well, I still deep down thought we would be able to accomplish this on our own with no help from a doctor. Fast forward to March, I force myself to get up in the mornings, I avoid facebook because I don't want to see another friend say they're pregnant, I can't control having crying outbursts, and I don't want my husband to touch me. At first I thought it could be seasonal depression, but my mind always wandered to the sounds of cooing and the smell of a baby.
For years I have tried to get answers to why my menstral cycle was so irregular, but always was put on a different birth control to regulate it. But what happens now that I'm married and want to start a family, you certainly can't take BC and try for a baby too?! So Monday, I called Piedmont Reproductive and scheduled a consultation for next Wednesday. I am so ready for next week to get here, but so scared at what I'm getting myself into. I've been reading forums, blogs of other women going through this, calling the insurance company about coverage, picking Jamils brain, and probably talking my moms head off. I feel as though, I should not be fixated so much on this because it could be a simple fix, but I don't want to get my hopes up. Yesterday evening a quote kept singing in my head, " If God Brings You To It, He Will See You Through It", and I guess that was my wake up call to put it in his hands! He's blessed my marriage so much already, why wouldn't he want to get me through this struggle too.
I'm sorry this post is so long and probably drawn out, but that will keep any and all followers up to speed on where we are coming from.